Quondam Dreams

Monday, April 02, 2007

Idle Baseball Season Predictions

A few predictions, to be taken for whatever they're worth:


  • With conventional wisdom having the Dodgers set to make it well into the playoffs, they will be out of the race by July. I base this on the fact that every year they're predicted to be out of the race by July, they win their division.

  • With conventional wisdom having the Tigers set to take the AL Central, and possibly the Series, they collapse under the weight of their own expectations. I base this on the fact that the universe threatens to collapse in upon itself if the Tigers win it all.

  • The Giants will disintegrate as the Barry Gulf opens and widens. "I remember when I was the cool new kid in town," Bonds will sniff, as the young folks all congregate to Zito, who throws in a free guitar lick with every yoga session.

    "Dude," one of the bench coaches will point out, "you haven't been the cool new kid in town since Pittsburgh. You've been here forever, and If you were cool, you wouldn't be demanding so much money that the team can't afford to keep a good hitter in the lineup behind you so that you don't get intentionally walked 120 times a season. And you'd be talking about the whole BALCO thing. And you'd actually look happy to be playing in your 40s...."

    Bonds looks around. "Someone say something?"

    Bonds, by the way, will break Hank Aaron's home run record in late July, and no one will care.

  • Barry Zito and returned Diamondback Randy Johnson duke it out for the Cy Young award, but it ultimately goes to a nonroster invitee from the NL Central. Zito shrugs, picks up his guitar and heads home for the off-season. Randy Johnson gets stuck in a door.

  • Disaster strikes the Texas Rangers halfway through the season, as all of Scott Boras' clients realize what they've done and how long they've committed to do it for. By the All-Star break, the only new acquisition not on the DL is Eric Gagne, and that's only because he came off the DL a mere week before. He will pitch in a total of 10 games before he wrenches his back when he picks up a resin bag.

  • Yankee Stadium collapses in May. Chase Field (or the BOB, or whatever they're calling the Diamondbacks' park this season) melts in August.

  • In September, Corey Hart of the Milwaukee Brewers hears one too many "I wear my sunglasses at night" jokes and demolishes a Ray-Ban outlet.

  • The Red Sox and the Yankees engage in a one-game division playoff that lasts until November.

1 Comments:

  • Alas, you might not be too far off regarding your Rangers prediction. (Look for my "opening series knee-jerk reactions" on the baseball blog soon)

    Hi, Rose!h

    By Anonymous Leemer, at April 4, 2007 at 4:46 PM  

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