A Note To Guys At Bars, Clubs, Parties And Similar Situations

Okay, guys.

I don't expect that if you're chatting me up in the presence of alcohol, you're going to be telling me the complete truth about yourself. It's part of the mating ritual: Peacocks puff up their tails; human men puff up their accomplishments.

But next time you're sober, could you please take a minute to get your story straight? My not having to try to figure out which thread of lies to follow will make the conversation ever so much easier. You might even be entertaining and not-frustrating enough to get my number. Mind you, I'm still not going home with you tonight, but you'll have that much more time to find someone else who will.

Treat it like any other writing exercise. Type it up and edit it until it makes some sort of sense. (It doesn't have to make absolute sense; it just needs to hold together for a few minutes.) Memorize it. If you can't memorize it, then create a cheat sheet which you can discreetly tuck into your jacket sleeve. I can show you how to make a darling little in-sleeve pocket if necessary. It'll make it so much easier for you to tell me about your simultaneous careers, which at last count included film director, covert operative, drug dealer, dog-sitting entrepreneur and part-time rock star -- without wasting both of our evenings.

Women who embellish their accomplishments may wish to follow the same procedure, though I would suggest keeping the cheat sheet wherever you keep your cell phone.

Thanks guys. Appreciate it.

(And, no, I'm still not going home with you tonight. Smooches anyway.)