Quondam Dreams

Sunday, April 02, 2006

The Night I Let Tori Spelling Live

With all the press about her new show, I think it's time to share the story of how I could have bumped off Tori Spelling.

This took place a couple-few years after 90210 went off the air. Evidently, Tori Spelling has a sense of humor about herself these days, but back then? Not so much.

At the time, I was working for a soap opera web site, so I had dutifully gone to the Soap Opera Digest awards. The big after-party was at this club in an office building in Hollywood, and I decided to swing by. I didn't expect to know anyone or stay long, but it seemed like a fun diversion.

I entered the club, and right away I spotted a particular soap hunk of my acquaintance. He was talking with Tori Spelling. Well, really, she was talking, and he was politely smiling and nodding and probably trying to figure out what she was doing there. (She seemed to have been tagging along with her brother and the rest of the cast of their dad's soap Sunset Beach, which hadn't been canceled quite yet.)

The hunk never did manage to remember my name from meeting to meeting, but he always remembered that we knew each other. In the course of looking around for an excuse to leave the conversation, he spotted me.

"Hi!" he called, waving me over. "How are you?" He gave me a big hug, and Tori Spelling stood there, frozen. Not only didn't the hunk want to talk to her, but he preferred to talk to someone who wasn't, you know, recognizable. "Deer in headlights" doesn't begin to describe her paralysis. Had I been inclined to take her out, I could have done so right then and there.

After a minute, she regained her composure, and sharply said, "Hi. I'm Tori." She extended her hand just a little, so I shook it and told her that I was Rose and that it was nice to meet her. I suppressed the urge to tell her that the monochromatic hair/skin/dress combo wasn't the most flattering one for her, because I'm sure someone would point it out to her when the wire photos came in.

The hunk and I finished our conversation, and I left. I waited for the valet next to a completely different hunk from the same soap, and the latter hunk's wife. Neither of them recognized me.

So that was the night I discovered Tori Spelling's Achilles heel: She couldn't stand not to be the center of attention.

Is this still true? I make no guarantees. I'm just saying, if you find yourself in a situation where you need to stop Tori Spelling in her tracks, try distracting whoever she's talking with.

I trust that you will use this knowledge for good, or at least not-evil.


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