An Announcement Of Very Minor Importance

Now that I have reached the age of thirty-five, I hereby declare myself a candidate for Vice President of the United States.

After Cheney, I think this country will be ready to return to having a VP who merely shows up to events that aren't quite important enough for the President to attend, and can stay awake during the State of the Union address. It'll be tough, but I think I'm just the person to restore inactivity to the office. Worst-case scenario, I am now fully-qualified to assume the presidency. Should that happen, I will gather a cabinet of trusted advisers and pay attention to their advice. (I'm capable of doing my own research, and surely will, but they are the experts.) And then I will go back to whatever I was doing that whole time in the VP's office. Perhaps I'll take up quilting.

Please pass along word of my availability to any Presidential candidate whose views I might be able to defend with a straight face. Statements of interest may be emailed to me. I anticipate that most of the Democratic candidates, and a few of the third-party and independent ones, will be interested in my services -- or lack thereof -- so submit early for guaranteed consideration. I will inform my chosen running mate in plenty of time for a traditional July announcement.

Rose Auerbach for Vice President: Because the only way to restore dignity to this office is to do nothing but look dignified.